Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Plan B is the new Plan A
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
