And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
