Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
