id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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