whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
