I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize