Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
