Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
