yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
