Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
