Porn is love you can see.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
