No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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