Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
