Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
