how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
