Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just high enough for therapy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
