My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He passed out mid-signature
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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