me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
