I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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