I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
