I can tuck mytits in my pants
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize