You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
