I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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