I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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