I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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