90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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