Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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