Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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