Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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