Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
