He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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