ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
