I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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