seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
