U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
