So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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