I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
