Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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