so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
