How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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