At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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