I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
