Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
