Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
