we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
