Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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