This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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