Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
