The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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