I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
