Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
