I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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