Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
