i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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