I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
