There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
